Harry Potter: The Boy Who Babysits
by AlongCameASpider
Summary: After a rough 5th year at Hogwarts, what better way is there to unwind than a few days of babysitting for a couple of very mischievous children
1. Chapter 1

Harry Potter: The Boy Who Babysits

~AlongCameASpider

Co-authored by la z boy

Chapter One

"_It will do you good,"_ had been what Aunt Petunia said after informing me of the new job I had been volunteered for. That was before she shoved me out the door with a note containing the address to the house I now slowly shuffled through. The woman did not say much other than "This is the living room," or "That's the pool". She wasn't that impressed with me, but was grateful she had at least found a temporary babysitter. Whether I had willingly accepted the job or not.

Begrudgingly, I followed her up the stairs, tripping on one and nearly falling on my face. The upstairs was kind of plain and consisted of mostly bedrooms. One of which held the children I would be watching for the next few days. And, unfortunately, this was an overnight baby sitting job, and it would be lasting about four days. The kids sat on the floor near a pile of toys, staring at us blankly. "Phillip and Felicia," the woman introduced the two kids, pulling me closer so they could see who I was.

"Hello," I said nervously, doing my best to smile.

They just continued to stare at me, not even blinking. Weird.

The woman, who was apparently too high and mighty to tell me her name, closed the door and pushed me toward the stairs. "They're not used to strangers," she explained, "I'm a stay at home mother, so they don't usually have babysitters." She rushed me back down to the kitchen where she went over a list of emergency phone numbers as her husband packed their bags into the car. The names could have filled a book: grandparents, friends, doctors, the hotel they'll be at, restaurants they intended to eat at. All the numbers were starting to blur and look the same.

Finally she disappeared up the steps, told her children goodbye, and then was out the front door. The sudden silence was almost a shock. I could have dropped a pin on the carpet and would have been able to hear it. Feeling awkward, I glanced around the living room. There was a large television against the wall closest to me, but it did not really interest me. Instead, I headed toward the computer in the corner of the room. I had seen Dudley with one several times. Usually, he would complain about it not working, but I had never been able to actually use one.

At first, it was very confusing. So many icons and pictures to click on, I wasn't sure what I was doing. But I quickly found what I had been most interested in: the internet. The number of websites was overwhelming. One site led me to another, some for games and some full of random information that no one would probably even need. After some number of clicking links, I discovered one page that was strangely interesting. It was full of stories people had written to go along with their favorite movies, books, and games.

Had I not been so engrossed in the things I was reading, I may have been more concerned about the loud crash that came from the kitchen. It sounded like a metal pan hitting the floor. "Keep it down, please," I muttered, but I was sure they wouldn't hear me. But as long as they were not completely destroying the house, a little noise wouldn't be all that bad.

"Perry, can you help me?" came...Felicia's shout from the kitchen.

I marked my place in the story I was reading and headed toward the kitchen doorway. I would have to remind her of my actual name.

But I didn't get the chance to correct her. I stepped through the doorway, but didn't see the kids. From both sides of the door came a wave of brown slop, followed by laughter, the sound of buckets hitting the floor, and fleeing footsteps. I stood there dumbstruck. The concoction was thick and coated me entirely. I could feel lumps sliding down my skin, along with small and dry bits of...something. And it was still warm, whatever it was.

I removed my glasses and attempted to clear them off. Cleaning them on my shirt was pointless, so I had to use water from the kitchen sink. Once I could see, I discovered that I had been showered by a mixture of beans and oatmeal. Most of it had gotten stuck in my hair and clothes, so there wasn't a lot to clean up off the floor, thankfully.

Once the kitchen was taken care of, I headed to the bathroom to take care of myself. I threw my dirty clothes into a bag and left a clean set on a shelf before stepping into the shower. I couldn't believe what the kids had done and I was quite angry about it. But they were young and the prank was harmless. I shut off the water and stepped out of the shower. I reached for my clothes. The shelf was empty.

"What the…?" I whispered as I checked the other shelves and floor, hoping my clothes fell. But there was no sign of them. The bag containing my bean and oatmeal covered clothes had vanished as well. But how? Clothes couldn't just get up and walk away. I checked the shelf again and noticed something I had missed the first time. In the corner was a set of pink children pajamas. With rainbows and unicorns on them.

I sighed, from anger and frustration, when I realized the kids had stolen my clothes and meant for me to wear the pajamas. Briefly I debated remaining nude while I searched for more clothing my size, but that didn't seem appropriate since there were young kids around. Not to mention that was a sure-fire way for me to get into serious trouble with Phillip and Felicia's parents if they found out. So, begrudgingly, I squeezed into the far-too-small garments. They were so tight, I was afraid to walk. One wrong movement, and I could end up naked anyway. These kids seemed almost as devious as Fred and George.

Ever so slowly, and carefully, I left the bathroom and made my way to the bedroom I was given. To say the trek was a difficult one was a bit of an understatement. My movements were as cautious as I could make them. But when I finally reached my assigned bedroom, to my great dismay I discovered that my bag had disappeared as well.

Just. Perfect.

After fighting the urge to hit my head against the wall, I wandered around the house looking for my clothes and the children, who had also mysteriously, and conveniently, disappeared. But I wasn't having much luck finding either. A wave of fear washed over me when I entered the kitchen and saw the back door open. As fast as I could, I ran outside. What if they ran away? What if one of them fell in the pool and drowned? What if-

The door slammed loudly behind me and familiar laughter faded into the depths of the house, thus putting an end to my worrying…at least about the safety of the kids. But now I had to figure out how I was getting back inside since I was sure knocking would be a wasted effort. Most of the windows were either too high or locked. I circled the house a couple of times, looking for a way in. On my last lap I finally noticed that a kitchen window was up just enough for me to get my hand under.

I walked through the dead shrubs that lined the outside of the house, the seat of the pants catching on the small branches and tearing, exposing a part of me I certainly _didn't _want exposed. It took quite a lot of effort to get the window pushed up far enough for me to squeeze under. And it took even more effort to pull myself up high enough to get through. I finally managed to perch on the windowsill, but quickly lost my balance and slipped into the sink still filled with water, the shirt catching on something in the process and ripping just like the pants. I struggled to adjust my position of the counter. My wet hands wouldn't stay where I set them, and I ended up sliding off the counter and onto the floor.

During all of this, the pajamas had been ripped beyond repair. The rest of the pants were in tatters and the shirt hung off me as if most of it had been devoured by a wild animal. My earlier reservation about not being naked in front of the kids now seemed a wasted effort since I barely had anything covering me. Well, at least the "important area" still had a barrier of clothing in front of it.

I'd have to forgo some of my payment in order to replace these pajamas, which I was not happy about. Slowly, I hauled myself up the stairs, making sure the kids weren't anywhere out in the open, and found that my bag and clothes had been placed back where I left them. After hurriedly changing into my own clothing and discarding Felicia's torn pajamas, I climbed into bed, dreading what tomorrow would bring.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

"Hey, Perry! Hey, Perry!"

Suddenly the bed was shaking rather violently, and two sets of feet came dangerously close to crushing me as they repeatedly landed, and relaunched, beside me. I ignored them for as long as possible, but the "Hey, Perry," and the bed shaking began to get the best of me.

"Yes?" I asked as calmly as I could.

"Let's play a game! Let's play a game!" Felicia insisted.

I groaned, "I don't think so."

Their jumping increased in speed and intensity, nearly bouncing me off the bed and onto the floor. "I'll tell Mum!" she threatened in a tone of voice that made her sound like a stuck-up Slytherin.

"Fine, fine. Let me get dressed first," I agreed resignedly as I tried to get out of the bed.

The kids squealed with delight and shot out of the room faster than I could blink. I took my time getting dressed; I was in no hurry to find out what kind of game we would be playing. Judging from their actions yesterday, it was sure to be something horrible.

When I got downstairs, the kids were sitting on the living room floor with a stack of cards placed in front of them. It seemed harmless, but my first impression of Phillip and Felicia when I first saw them yesterday was that they were harmless, so I was keeping my guard up from now on.

"What game are we playing?" I asked as I took my spot on the floor.

"Troof or Dare," Phillip replied, taking a card from the pile. "Troof."

"Oh, oh! Do you think Perry's a cool babysitter?" Felicia asked. I could assume what the answer would be.

Phillip shook his head, "No. He's boring." Maybe I wouldn't be boring if I wasn't locked outside after having beans and oatmeal dumped on me and being forced to wear pink child pajamas. That kind of thing tends to make people resigned.

"Alright, Perry! It's your turn!" Felicia shouted.

"It's Harry," I muttered as I drew a card, and my stomach sank after reading from it, "Dare."

My first dare was to rub and spank my butt. Well, I had to give them points for starting things off on such an odd note.

I lightly tapped the seat of my pants, but this did not appease the dare-givers.

"That's not a spank!" Felicia shouted, and Phillip added, "Pull your pants down, too!"

"I don't think so!"

I got up and left. There was no way I was going to give in to these kids, whether or not if it was a game of Truth or Dare. There had to be _some _limits, right?

But they followed me around the house, pestering me until, out of annoyance, I dropped my pants and slapped my bum as hard as I could. The slap echoed through the house, causing the kids to stare at me with their mouths hanging open. I resisted the temptation to do the same.

Not to mention it actually smarted a bit. I was surprised at my own strength.

They started giggling and begged me to return to the game. No matter how many times I refused, I still ended up back in the living room. And, once again, I drew a dare card. This time I was supposed to pull my pants down a bit and sit in the large potted plant in the corner of the room. Since I knew there was no getting away from them or their silly dare, I did as they asked.

I lowered the back of my pants and carefully sat in the dirt. It obviously had not been watered in awhile. The dirt was really dry and made me itch. When I stood up, I had a lot of dirt and bits of dead leaves stuck to me. I started to pull my pants up, but was stopped by Felicia.

While I was performing my dare, they had been taking their turns. So it was my turn for yet another dare. I was starting to suspect maybe the deck of cards had literally been stacked against me so I got nothing but dares.

And the dare I was about to be given also involved my pants down. Go figure.

"Wait here."

Felicia darted to the kitchen and returned a moment later with something covered by a towel. She placed it on the floor behind me, ordering me not to look, and then she commanded that I sit. I did as I was told.

Whatever it was, it was squishy and it felt weird sitting on it. I wiggled around a bit, letting it ooze around my rear. Merlin's Beard, it was so disgusting! It felt a bit like sitting in a soiled diaper.

"Stand up now, silly!" Felicia said between giggles.

I stood and cleaned the banana cream pie off me using the adult equivalent of a baby wipe. Which I'm sure helped influence my next dare: I had to rub lotion on my bum and cover it with baby powder. Ah, the immature obsession little kids had with butt humor. I never thought I'd be on the receiving end of it, no pun intended.

The lotion felt quite good, though. It was very soothing. My skin must have been dried out by the dirt and the wipes. The powder, in the large amount I was required to use, made me feel like I had sand in my pants.

For the next dare, I had to rub my rump against the cactus in their parents' bedroom. I dropped my pants again, sighing deeply, and drug my butt across its spines. I may as well have just sat on a bunch of knives, because that's what it felt like.

The lotion made the wounds sting even worse. I was relieved to hear that my final dare involved going around in just my underwear for half an hour. At least it wouldn't hurt me or make a mess, and it took the attention off my butt. So I handed over my clothes and the kids disappeared.

The problem with this dare was that nearly an hour later, the kids were no where to be found. In retrospect, I shouldn't have been so surprised. I made another circle of the house, looking under beds and in closets this time. Finally, Felicia darted from a closet and ran toward the stairs, followed closely by her brother. One had my shirt, the other had my pants.

I followed them out to the backyard, where they split up and ran in opposite directions. Before I could get too far, though, I was sliding across the ground on one foot and didn't stop until the ground dropped off into the pool.

When I hit the water, the wind was knocked out of me. Water shot up my nose, burning my nostrils and throat. Thankfully, I had fallen in the shallow end, so I was able to stand easily. I coughed violently, which only made the burning worse. When I pulled myself out of the pool, I found my clothes waiting for me on a bench near the door. I yanked on my shirt and walked into my jeans as I headed toward the house.

I went straight to my bedroom and dropped onto the floor to dig through my bag. My landing was softer than it should have been and there was an unpleasant squishy feeling, similar to sitting in the pie earlier. I stood up and found a brown spot where I had been sitting.

"Ha ha! Perry pooped his pants!" Felicia shouted, suddenly appearing in the doorway.

I spun around and covered my rear with my hands, "I did not! What did you put in my pants?" I sounded angrier than I meant to, but I was really concerned about what it was.

She frowned and crossed her arms, "It's just brownies, you big baby."

She stomped down the hall and slammed her door shut. Oh, I'm sorry, was someone _besides _the boy with the sore, brown-stained butt upset?

I ignored her. I just wanted to get cleaned up. So I grabbed some clean clothes and headed to the bathroom.

The warm water was relaxing, helping to wash my stress and anger away. I grabbed a bottle of shampoo and squeezed a large amount on my head. I ran my fingers through it and quickly realized there was a problem. It was very thick and left me feeling very sticky. I put a little dab in my hand and smelled it. Honey.

It took me several washes to get all the honey off my skin and out of my hair. The only good thing was that I smelled amazing. Take that for what it's worth.

Upon inspecting the kitchen, I discovered that the kids managed to feed themselves, so I loaded the dishwasher and headed back to my bedroom, not remotely hungry myself.

My throat and nose still burned, my bum still hurt and I was exhausted. Going to bed early was the only thing that appealed to me. I just hoped tomorrow would be nothing like today had been.

But a little voice in my head told me not to be so naïve.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

I had thought I heard voices, but quickly decided I had been dreaming them. So I rolled over and drifted back to sleep. But the peace did not last long. There was suddenly a lot of screaming and other noise, startling me and causing me to get tangled up in my blankets. Just as suddenly as the noise started, it stopped and there was silence. I freed myself and crawled out of bed to inspect the damage.

My clothes were scattered all over the floor and, unsurprisingly, all my pants were gone. So I dressed as much as I was able to before heading down to the kitchen. I was going to pretend this didn't bother me in the hopes that they would feel defeated and give up.

After buttering some toast, I sat at the table and skimmed the newspaper. It wasn't long before Felicia and Phillip appeared with smug smiles on their faces.

"Morning," I said cheerfully, gesturing toward the toast. They sat to eat, looking a bit confused, and just stared at me. I continued to read the paper while I pretended nothing was amiss.

Felicia finally spoke, sounding a bit annoyed, "Perry, wanna play a game?" She had the air of a ringleader, which, so far, seemed a fairly accurate assessment.

"Yeah, sure," I replied trying to sound excited, "What game? How about hide and seek?"

She folded her arms across her chest, "Don't you want your pants back?"

"You know, it's actually really nice without them. You go ahead and keep them," I replied, keeping my eyes on the paper.

She got up and started walking away, "Fine. Then I can cut them up and use them for my teddy, then."

"Now, hold on a minute…" I got up to follow her, but she took off running. Phillip ran by me, nearly knocking me over, to join his sister. I followed them up to their room.

Felicia was sitting on the bed with her hands behind her back. Phillip sat on the floor, looking innocent. I moved toward the bed and suddenly fell face first onto it. Phillip had flopped down onto the floor in front of me and tripped me. He was now on the bed helping his sister to tie me up in a sheet.

They removed my underpants once I was tightly entangled, which was not surprising at this point, but I was starting to get concerned. Why exactly were they so obsessed with my bum? Was it really just because little kids found the bum to be the funniest of body parts?

Odd things began to poke my butt. The first was very prickly and stiff, kind of like the cactus. But it did not bring the same type of pain. Another was obviously a freshly-sharpened pencil. I heard the faint snap of the top breaking, but hopefully I would not have to coax it out of my flesh later.

There was repeatedly something prodding me in various spots. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that Phillip had just tossed aside a pair of scissors. Thankfully they were the plastic, rounded kind that cut patterns on the edge of paper. I heard the cap come off a marker next, right after my underwear had been pulled back up. The feeling of the marker being pulled across my underwear was weird and made goosebumps rise on my arms.

The kids giggled and vanished, leaving me to try to free myself. I struggled, pushing my arms against the sheet. Finally, I was able to loosen it enough to crawl out. Afterward, I located a mirror so I could examine what the kids did to my underwear. They wrote on them words like, "Fat", "Flabby," "Smelly", and "Poopie". I guess they were words that were supposed to describe my butt.

Hardy har har.

My pants had not been returned to my bag, so I had to go on yet another clothes hunt. I found them in the kitchen draped over the chair I had been sitting in earlier that morning.

I pulled them on and immediately noticed a squish that should not have been there. It didn't take me long to figure out what was in them. The feeling started out as an uncomfortable warmth, but quickly escalated to a stinging burn. I removed my pants as quickly as I could, standing with my legs apart so everything cooled off better.

While I had been fighting to get out of the sheet, the kids had been down here heating up, and spicing up, some leftover chili and smeared it in my pants.

The warmth that had been in my pants was now suddenly running down my head and back. I tried to fling it off, but they had it all on me before I could do much more. They dropped the messy pot on a chair and ran from the room laughing. I had a flashback to the first night, standing covered with beans and oatmeal.

I shook off as much as I could before cleaning it up. After the kitchen was tidied, I went to clean myself up, being careful to avoid any honey-filled bottles. That admittedly took some effort.

The kids were unusually calm the rest of the night, only acting up once to fight with each other. I could only hope they got it all out of their systems.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

I was worried when I woke up the following morning to peace and quiet. Was one of them sick? I should probably go check.

But after I threw the blankets off, I knew they were fine.

The sheet wrapped around my bottom was probably white once. But now, it was stained brown with bits of yellow. To make it look like I had soiled my diaper. How hilarious.

Thankfully, they just took my shirt and shorts off and left my underwear. That would have been weird. Oddly, all my pants were still in my bag. I quickly dressed and went down to the kitchen.

I stopped in the doorway when I saw what the kids were doing. There was a kiddie pool sitting on the floor not far from the table. And they were filling it with chocolate pudding.

"What are you guys doing?" I asked cautiously. They both looked up at me, but it was Phillip who spoke this time.

"Mum lets us do it all the time."

"I'm sure she does," I muttered under my breath as I sat down as far from the pool as I could get. I grabbed the paper and nibbled on leftover toast that I assumed Felicia had made. There was one story that I really got interested in and the things around me seemed to disappear.

"Larry, hurry!" Phillip shouted from outside. I snapped back to reality, jumping up to run to the backyard. But my feet didn't move enough to keep up with my body and I ended up belly flopping into the chocolatey kiddie pool. I slipped and flailed trying to get out of the mess, and two sets of laughter grew closer in the messy process. Phillip freed my shoelaces from one another.

I wanted to scream, but I bit my tongue. Surely they would tell on me if I had said the things I wanted to. When I finally managed to get up I looked at them, my anger visible, and sternly ordered, "Clean this mess up. Now."

As I walked away, I was certain that I heard Phillip whisper, "We're sorry. We just wanted to have fun." But he didn't say it in the snotty way Felicia would have said it; he sounded truly remorseful. It helped to ease my anger hearing him say that, but I had had enough pranks and was glad their parents would be back tonight.

I showered, changing into my last set of clean clothes, and went back down to the kitchen. I had expected the mess to still be there. But to my surprise, the kitchen was spotless and the kiddie pool had been placed back outside. I hadn't expected them to actually listen to me. They now both sat on the couch, watching TV in silence.

"Nice job, guys. Thanks." I said to them as nice as I could. I truly was grateful that they had listened and cleaned up their own mess for once. But they didn't say anything, only nodded their heads. That was a good enough "You're welcome" to me. I had not been sat down for even five minutes when the front door opened.

The kids jumped up and raced to the door, "Mama! Papa!" They were home early. I thought they wouldn't be back for a few hours yet.

The mother approached me, looking worried. "Thank you for watching them for so long. They weren't any trouble, were they?"

I glanced at the kids, who just stared at me, waiting for me to rat them out. But in that instant, I realized something. That them having a stay-at-home mother pretty much smothered them, restricted them, even. So, in their own twisted way, their pranks were how they released that frustration.

I shook my head. "No, they were great." They had never meant any harm and I doubted the parents would have believed me anyway.

The mother sighed, "Thank goodness. It's difficult to find anyone willing to watch them. They're not used to strangers, so they usually are quite the pranksters. Probably trying to scare them away." She looked at me tentatively. "Actually…my husband and I are having a date night next Saturday, and you're the only babysitter who hasn't run out of the house covered in gunk or anything."

I guess she would have believed me after all. I looked at the kids again, the smug grins having found their way back to their faces.

She continued on. "So, would you be willing to give this another go?"

Keeping in mind that these two kids needed prank-pulling to stay sane, I replied, "Yes," thereby submitting myself to be their prank victim at least one more time before I went off to The Burrow.

That made them happy.

As I was about to walk out the door, the kids stopped me. "What is it, Felicia?" I asked, afraid of what she would do or say. For once, she sounded sincere when she spoke. "Thanks for not telling on us."

"You're welcome. It was all in good fun, right?" I replied, to which she nodded and added something.

"Just like it'll be next time."

I then turned to leave again.

"Hey, Harry!" I was shocked by Felicia actually calling me by the correct name.

I turned to look at her. "Yes?"

She smiled. "Can I have a hug?"

"Uh, sure." I set my bag down and bent over to hug her. She wrapped her arms around me and held me tight. I was just about to comment her on her hugging abilities when I felt a tug on the back of my pants, followed by the feeling of sand being poured in them. Phillip left my pants down a bit, so just a bit of my bum was showing.

I smiled, trying not to be annoyed, and for their entertainment, I waddled out of the house with my pants the way Phillip left them, deciding that I would deposit the sand in Dudley's bedroom if he wasn't in there when I got back.


End file.
